Currently Listening The Last Tour on Earth By Marilyn Manson see related

- last day on earth

i wish life could be as easy as to just being happy. I wish people wouldn't lie to my face or decieve me with words. I wish I could smile again without tears of a cold memory. It's sad to say he really made me  happy, and not that it's over .... I don't know what to do. I fell stupid because i was afraid to take in love, and even stupider to deny my extincts. I wonder if it Is better to have loved and lost than to of never of loved before. Because if it is then why does it hurt soo bad. I know it's only been a day but I really do already miss him and wish he would come back to me. I wish he would apologize and say lets pretend it never happened. I was for all of it to go away and just be able to smile like he made me and then talk to my friends and feel like I was bragging about my amazing boyfriend. I wish..... that it was all a nightmare and this is not reality. But I guess that's why reality sux cuz of the pain that comes with it.

I want that back..... The happiness i got from my boyfriend and my friends.

But it seems to all be falling apart and i'm gunna end up just like freshman year. Alone, Depressed, and Angry

I just want him back or atleast understand where everything went wrong, cuz I haven't even got that much from him. I know I broke it off but that was because he wanted it to and I knew he wouldn't do it. I was only doing his wishes. And now what hurts the most is he IS HAPPY , and I can't stand to see him happy without me........

I just want him back

~Becky~

hola luvlys i feel like writing in here tonight.. so let's what has happened lately found out alot of shit about people, and have come to realize once again that people are so fake and all they want to do is hurt you, this person doesn't know that i know about all the shit she's been doing behind my back and how all this time it's been her that's been causing more drama for me knowing the pain i was goin through yet they felt like being selfish and trying to take something important to me so they could rub it in my face and tell me that it wasn't all on them. Too bad  you alwaysa find out who your real friends are through bad experiences... wel anyways my b-day party is on dec. 3rd everyone should come! or i'll beat your asses! and ya know i can! lol supposed to hang with art tommorow , hopefully . i'll right later

~becky~

hola youngn's so yes feelin a bit better then i was before , I've been hangin out with lizzy alot more , yeah we always have a fun time she slept ove rlast night and we hung out with art, ryan , and jackie. yesayes we were all at the park for a long time and spazzin out then lil ryan threw up after we ate at westfield and i got all grossed out lol yesterday was a long day but it was really fun ....... I got my lip pierced on thursday FINALLY YES I AM SERIOUS i BECKY GOT MY LIP PIERCED i'm soo happy so yes.. tommorow I guess I'm gunna go see art cuz my mom won't let me go see dj perform cuz she thinks i'm really goin sum where else because she doesn't believe tht  I really want to go to a country show. I really wanted to see her perform ....... so i dunno maybe i'll wrote more in here later luv ya all

~becky~

Currently Listening Mechanical Animals (Explicit Cover) By Marilyn Manson see related

- Coma White

So I can't really actually talk to anyone about feelings inside me so I think since not alot of people read this anymore and since I need to get it out of me it is about time for a good old rant.

I fuckin hate life, I hate this place there is just no point to actually live it fuckin sux!I don't really do anything with my friends and i don't really hangout with peple anymore besides yesterday. I hate my home life it's just constant bickerng and fighting there is seriously not a day that goes by and there isn't atleast one fight in this house wer'e lucky if it's only one fight . My mom is always fighting with me and Andrew ,JUnior is fighting with everyone, Dad fights with everyone and mom and dad constently are fighting with each other. IT breaks you down the things they say and wat they do they're all like wolves just waiting to tear each other apart for wat? there isn't even a god reason for all the fighting! IT's really ridiculous. I'm trying soo hard to get good grades cuz i decided i wanted to go to college...yeah  and it's just not working especially since I can't do my homework half the time because I have to help Andrew with his homework! my lil brother is failing 5th grade....... it's pretty bad so I have to do his homework with him and make sure he does it and does it right because no  one else in this house will......I have to wake him up for schoool and make sure he gets ready or he'll try not to go, I don't know what to do! I mean he's only in 5th grade and he's getting pretty bad the only thing he wants to  do is play and cry and sleep,, and I feel really bad cuz I know what's going on in his mind..... He cries every night before he goes to sleep because he doesn't know what's goin to happen with all of us and because he's afraid daddy is gunna hit him for no reason again and he's constently sad before he goes to sleep and I have to listen to him cry himself to sleep... and it really makes me upset....I"M totally over-whelmed I"m pretty much raising this little boy when it's not my responsibility...I mean i'm only 15 I know I shoulkdn't be pretty much raisin an 11 year old and it's not fair but I have to do it because my parents aren't responsible enough to do it themselves and realize what's goin on with him or able to realize what's gooin on with any of us.......by the time Andrew is my age he's gunna be on just as much or more medication as me and he's gunna have to to go to therapy to and I just feel so horrible he'a s 11 he shouldn't be feeling like this. I"m scared to think what is happening .......I want to get out of here soo badly just totally leave and do things for me do things a reall teenager should be able to do instead of staying at home and worrying about if he is going to be ok or if we can ge this grade up so he can pass and go to middle school or if sumthing is gunna get in the way and how many more fights are we going to have in this house tonight. I don't know what to do....Some one please tell me what to do , someone take me away from all of this mass confusion and hopelessness......I need a way out but I can't jsut leave either then what will happen to ANdrew? What will happpen to my parents with out one more child will they fight less? or will they just find more to fight about?

 I shouldn't  have to deal with this and at the end of the stressful day I don't even get a fuckin thank you from them..... Just that would make mee so very happy a simple thanks for all your hard work becky... thatnks for raising our kid and yourself cuz wer'e to busy worrying YOU about if you guys wiil be ok... THanks for dealing with all the pain  and bruises and mental abuse that we throw your way just to make ourselves feel better.    I don't know what to do i'm out for now

~becky~

Currently Listening Blackwater Park By Opeth see related

hmm ok so i really haven't written in a long time lets see i'm done with swimming and all that's done uhh.... life is boring  i suppose I still love Art very very much and i still hate myself so not to much has changed in my life .... liz is piercing my lip soon  that makes me happy and my parents will bitch when they see it but i don't really care...god i'm such a boring person i think people have really given up on reading this since i just randomly write in this but i am writing for ryan cuz i love of you!!!!!!!!!!  ehhh,... i hate this i dunno maybe i'll write later can't promise though cuz i'm not very frequent with htis shit anymore

~becky~